I am an artist. I think.

I have always wanted to be an artist. I played the cello for 8 years. I took piano lessons for one year. I have owned a guitar for 20 years (thanks Mom). I have a bachelor's degree in acting. I have written some, and even had a boring essay about my work on a show published in a boring compilation. (you won't be able to find it, since I can't) I have many sketch books full of not very good sketches and I even have a few sculptures of my own creation. Or rather, my mom has them, as I did them when I was in school. All these things are supposedly secondary to the fact that I make my living as a designer in the theatre. I have designed sound for 24 productions, designed the set for 10 and designed lights for a handful. I consider being a technical director an art (many do not, long story) and I have served as technical director for 24 productions. So why is it that I have never really felt that I am an artist? I feel, alternately, like a working man, a father, a jerk and many other normal things, but never an artist. In dark times, this makes me feel like a failure. In lighter times, this makes me feel motivated to create. But it never makes me feel satisfied. When does satisfaction come? I can make the fuck out of a pizza. I was the best delivery driver in Fargo. I was really good at making pig-feed. I can build the hell out of some scenery. But I can't draw. I can't write music. I can't write stories. Having goals is not always a good thing. Just sayin'