I am reminded of when I was walking at the ball field by Lake Nokomis with my dad and told him that the baby was gonna be a boy and I wanted to name him Charles. My dad's name. My dad was a drunk when I was young and wasn't there much as I got older, but he's my dad. He looked at me with concern and asked if I was sure I wanted to do that. Trying to say that he wasn't sure he wanted that boy to be much like him or that he didn't deserve the honor. Maybe both. But I said I was sure.
I'm hard on my kids because I don't know how to be calm. I yell at them an awful lot and I swear at them too. Yes I tell them I love them every single day and I hug them and kiss their little heads, but I'm no hero. So even though when I saw that bulletin board I got awfully close to weepy and it makes me unspeakably proud that my boy sees me as a man to respect, I hope that Charlie grows up and thinks of me as a dad who kept trying to get better at it, but not as a hero. Because if I'm a hero then he has no reason to improve on the model.