. . . but in our selves.

There's a bulletin board in the hallway of the school where my kids go. Each month they put a different class of kids up there as "Our Stars." There's a little "interview sheet" underneath each picture. A set-up if I ever saw one, there is a spot that says: "My Hero" and leaves a blank for them to fill in who their hero is. When we went in for conferences the other night, my son pointed out the board as we ran past it and said that he was on the board. After I read "My Daddy" I looked at him and I could see that he pointed out the board so I would see that. I said "I'm your hero??" and we went on to see his teacher as I asked what heroic things I had done, expecting no answer and getting none. But, even though it is plain to see that that question is asked because that is often the answer it will illicit, it got to me.

I am reminded of when I was walking at the ball field by Lake Nokomis with my dad and told him that the baby was gonna be a boy and I wanted to name him Charles. My dad's name. My dad was a drunk when I was young and wasn't there much as I got older, but he's my dad. He looked at me with concern and asked if I was sure I wanted to do that. Trying to say that he wasn't sure he wanted that boy to be much like him or that he didn't deserve the honor. Maybe both. But I said I was sure.

I'm hard on my kids because I don't know how to be calm. I yell at them an awful lot and I swear at them too. Yes I tell them I love them every single day and I hug them and kiss their little heads, but I'm no hero. So even though when I saw that bulletin board I got awfully close to weepy and it makes me unspeakably proud that my boy sees me as a man to respect, I hope that Charlie grows up and thinks of me as a dad who kept trying to get better at it, but not as a hero. Because if I'm a hero then he has no reason to improve on the model.